This is part of our Cardinal Way project on promoting civil discussions.
Everyone says they want to lower the temperature of our public discourse. Yet, no one seems to know how to work the thermostat. Mediators know a little about lowering the temperature of disputes. They resolve conflicts by acting as third party neutrals with no decision-making authority, lowering the temperature. Here are a few tricks of the trade.
Don’t think of disagreements as ‘fights’ but as arguments.
The distinction between arguing and fighting is important. According to Jay Heinrichs, author of “Thank You for Arguing,” “In a fight, each disputant tries to win. In an argument, they try to win over an audience.”
The language of a fight is like a political campaign. The words chosen elevate one’s self and position while discrediting the other side personally and substantively. The language used in an argument are words of persuasion. In too much discourse today, we have substituted disrespect and distrust for words designed to bring someone over to our side.
There can be no voluntary resolution of a dispute unless both sides agree. Beating someone around the head and shoulders with fighting words rarely persuades.
The first step in the art of persuasion is to listen well.
Most of the statements from elected officials about lowering the temperature have emphasized the role of the speaker and advised both sides to step back and tone down the rhetoric. While speakers are definitely part of the equation, more time needs to be spent on listening.
Most people love it when someone listens to them without judgment. They relax and are more forthcoming with their views, values and rationales. After being heard, they are also more able to hear and consider what someone else may have to say. Have you noticed that when people do not feel heard, they generally repeat the same thing over and over again in louder and harsher terms? The result is a shouting match, not discourse.
Unfortunately, very few of us learn how to listen in school. We are taught how to express ourselves orally and in writing but not how to listen actively and productively. Good listeners read body language and listen for the tone of how words are spoken. They concentrate on hearing the words instead of formulating their reply. Good listeners acknowledge the emotions being expressed. A listener’s own body language focuses on showing that the speaker is being heard. How do most people know they are being listened to? The listener looks at them while they are speaking.
Active listeners often summarize what they hear, filtering out toxic language. They ask open-ended questions to learn and understand, not to challenge or respond. This is not rocket science. The skills are accessible to all; however, listening is an intentional, not a passive, act. It takes some effort and discipline.
Mediators listen for the tense of verbs spoken. Since ancient times, it is well known that the use of the past tense articulates blame, the present tense expresses values and the future tense is the language of possibility and problem-solving.
In any argument, it is necessary to spend some time in the past tense listening to complaints. This can help the listener understand the issue. Some time focuses on the declaration of values motivating positions. No one will negotiate their values. A good active listener can hear and understand the speaker’s value statement and provide assurances that he would not ask the opposing side to abandon its values to get to a resolution of a conflict. This, in and of itself, helps the speaker relax. At the right time, the listener can move the discussion into the future tense where opportunity lies with a simple question: “What can we do to solve this problem you have raised?”
It is also important to listen for the interests that motivate a person to take a certain position. They ask what is important to the speaker. They seek to understand what hope, need, fear or concern motivates the speaker to take a position. Once you can identify an interest you can talk about all of the options for meeting that interest, including the options that may work for both sides.
The alternative is to continue to hear about the position and why it cannot be compromised, especially now when compromise is deemed a dirty word. Compromise between two positions is not necessary if you can find a way to meet a mutually acceptable interest.
Mediation is another means of lowering the temperature of a public policy debate. Mediation is an intensely human endeavor that is based in the interactions of people. Mediations typically are conducted with parties sitting across a table from each other. People in conflict act differently when it is an in-person conversation. This is particularly true when compared with communication through emails, texts or posts.
Mediators create a safe place for productive talking and, more importantly, listening. Good mediators are persistent about coming to a resolution of a conflict and express optimism based on their own experiences in which seemingly irreconcilable positions have given way to agreement. It can be helpful to have someone in the room who is focused on getting to an agreement.
Conflict is inevitable in human relations. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Conflicts are opportunities to learn, develop new approaches and move the ball forward. With a little work, speakers and listeners can avoid a fight and have a productive argument.
A lawyer, lobbyist, educator and consultant, Mark Rubin has long worked in the field of alternative dispute resolution (ADR). He joined The McCammon Group in 2000 and eventually shifted his focus exclusively to ADR. He has mediated and arbitrated hundreds of cases while also serving as a facilitator, trainer, consultant and ombudsman to several agencies and corporations in various organizational disputes. Rubin briefly put his ADR practice on hold to serve as counselor to Gov. Tim Kaine for four years. Additionally, he served as executive director of the Office of Government Relations for Virginia Commonwealth University and the VCU Health System.