The continuing saga of a property dispute, or the bear is back

My neighbor came over one night recently and vandalized my car.

I know it was him because he left his prints all over it.

He and I have had a property dispute for several years now; he believes my house is built on his land, no matter what the land records at the courthouse show.

My neighbor won’t listen to reason like that — and can’t read anyway.

Some of my other neighbors, sympathetic to my situation and familiar with the lawless nature of this dangerous fellow, have suggested that I take matters into my own hands — along with a .308 Winchester. However, I prefer to stand on the right side of the law, so I’ll simply write a sternly worded column.

I suppose I should point out that the unruly neighbor in question is a bear.

This bear (or one very much like him) and I have a long history. He’s broken into my car in search of food and carried off a bag of cat food, which apparently wasn’t to his liking because he left it in the driveway. When I learned my lesson, I started locking my car every night, something that had heretofore been unnecessary out here in the back woods of the Appalachians. Then he pulled off the door handles. Last year, the bear simply dismantled the car — unable to open the locked doors, he again pulled off the door handles. Then, for good measure, he pulled off the back bumper and bashed in the roof. The insurance company called it a total loss. I called it just another summer in the country.

Ultimately, this is my fault — first for leaving cat food in my car three years ago. Bears have large appetites and long memories. It’s also my fault for living in bear country. At least that’s how the bear sees it. He’s not wrong. I’m pretty sure he’s a he because it’s the males who tend to wander around, particularly the young ones who don’t know any better and are still looking for their own range. There are probably some similarities there with our own species.

Bears aren’t the worst thing about living in the country, though. Deer are. If you think deer are cute, then you probably don’t live in the country. Once they were nearly extirpated in Virginia; now they roam the countryside like gangs of overgrown rats. I can deal with a bear that shows up and does some property damage. Deer are far more unpredictable — darting across the road, often in front of a moving vehicle. I’ve lost track of how many vehicles, or parts of vehicles, I’ve lost to deer over the years. (My insurance company definitely knows, though.) Bears generally mind their own business; they sometimes just think their business involves prying open a car like a tin can, but at least I’m not in it at the time. Deer are dangerous. I learned that the first time one ran in front of my car on Interstate 81. Neither the deer nor the car was the same after that. It’s just by luck (and maybe some physics) that the deer went sailing up into the air and not through the windshield, although the windshield shattered anyway.

I can calmly and dispassionately discuss the latest political outrage, but do not get me started on the menace of large wildlife that have the audacity to think they have a right to interfere with human ways. Might I even say the growing menace.

Our state government dutifully tracks reports of human/wildlife conflicts. Bear once topped the list. The complaint calls about bears have actually declined in recent years, while the ones about deer keep growing — and passed bears in 2021 as our number one problem.

Not surprisingly, the map of where humans and wildlife are coming into conflict almost perfectly matches where development is taking place. Chesterfield County is now adding more people a year than any other locality in Virginia; it’s also where we’re seeing the most human/wildlife conflicts.

In Chesterfield’s case, the problem is mostly deer, and they just haven’t gotten the word yet about Chesterfield’s growth rate. Or maybe they have. The problem is that deer like many of the things we do — just in different ways. Your manicured lawn may look immaculate to you; it looks like a high-class buffet to deer. Gardens? Now that’s some five-star dining for deer. I’m still steamed about the time I grew a beautiful crop of okra. All summer long, I watched it come out of the ground and mature. I came home from work on the evening I planned to harvest my bounty only to find that deer had done the work for me. Sheared the plants clean off. They could have done that anytime that summer, but no, the deer had to wait until I was about to harvest my future gumbo. That’s just malicious. You bet I carry a grudge.

Deer are a statewide problem. Bears are almost more of a western Virginia problem, with Roanoke County topping the list for bear complaints, followed by Bedford County.

Of all the reports the state produces, surely the most fascinating is the annual report on wildlife conflicts, particularly the detailed species-by-species listing of nuisance critters.

I am pleased to report that the reports of problem alligators have dropped from seven in fiscal year 2024 to just one in the most recent fiscal year.

The feral goat problem has dropped from four apiece in 2021, 2022 and 2023 to zero in the past two years.

Feral swine are up on the uptick, though, from 38 in 2021 to 54 last year.

The strangest reports are the long list of bird-related complaints. Over the past five years, Carolina chickadees have been reported as problems three times. Maybe this is just one foul-tempered chickadee, but how much of a problem can a chickadee be? Canada geese? Sure. They don’t call them cobra chickens for nothing. Those complaints have risen from 369 in 2021 to 576 last year — and trust me, the Canada geese are darned proud of this. But what did that one rogue Eastern phoebe do last year to make the list?

And then there’s our own state bird, which drew 50 complaints last year. That’s one more than the number of complaints about feral cats.

The cat complaints have gone down over the years, while the cardinal complaints are going up.

That seems almost treasonous.

Normally, I write about politics and such. I’ll get back to that next week. Meanwhile, we do have our weekly political newsletter, West of the Capital, that goes out on Friday afternoons. This week, I’ll take a look at early voting trends and who readers are searching for most on our Voter Guide.