Dear Local Bear:
I see you’re back. Or maybe you’re a different bear from the one who hung around last summer and banged on the window one day after one of my indoor cats said something to you that was admittedly quite unneighborly of her. In any case, I don’t mind you trespassing on my property — living out here in the woods of Botetourt County, I accept that sort of thing. However, on your most recent nocturnal visit, you had the audacity to engage in vandalism and destruction of property. Not only did you toss the contents of the supposedly bear-proof trash can, you broke the door handles off my locked car! I know it was you, but you also left your muddy paw prints on my wife’s car. You should be glad you didn’t break off her door handles, or you’d be getting more than a stern note. I don’t know why you tried to get into my car anyway. There was nothing of interest to you in there unless you have an unusual interest in an Associated Press Stylebook and some Cardinal News fundraising materials.
Please refrain from this sort of behavior.
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
I am confused by your recent note. You refer to me “trespassing” on your “property.” I believe you are mistaken. My kind have been here in North America since at least the Pleistocene Epoch, so perhaps a million or so years. Bears of some sort have been present in North America for perhaps 37 million years. The scientific record on this is quite clear. Meanwhile, your kind is a much more recent arrival on this continent.
With all due respect, sir, you are a colonial interloper who is living in my home.
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
P.S. Whoever told you that your trash can is bear-proof is wrong. However, I found the contents sorely lacking, which is why I have left an unfavorable Yelp review in the form of strewing the contents across the yard. Do better.
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
I have lived at this residence for more than 40 years and it hasn’t been until the last 10 years that I’ve seen any bears, so don’t give me this nonsense about this being your home. You belong up in the mountains, not out in my yard in the middle of the night tearing up things.
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
Once again, you are confused. I do not belong simply in the mountains. I belong in the woods, wherever there are woods. When your ancestors arrived on these shores, they proceeded to chop down almost all the woods in sight. That’s why my kind was almost extirpated from this place you call “Virginia.” Now, you’re letting the woods grow back. We bears are very appreciative and are now busy reclaiming our ancestral home. From about 1,000 in 1900, our population is now up to about 18,000 or so. (Yes, I know how you like demographics.) In percentage terms, that’s a faster population increase than your human population in “Virginia” during that time. So, don’t act so surprised when we show up.
Instead, let me pose a question to you: If you are so insistent on not desiring my presence, why do you and your kind make a point of leaving out a buffet for us?
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
P.S. I am humoring you with the phrase “your local bear.” To me, you are my local human.
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
I did not “leave out a buffet.” I put out the trash. Those are two very different things.
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
Not really.
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
Fine. You win. I won’t put the trash anymore. However, the fact remains: You broke the door handles off my car! Why?
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
P.S. See attached.
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
It was locked. How else was I supposed to get in?
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
You’re missing my point! You tried to break into my car! Why? There was nothing of interest to you in there.
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
Might I remind you that last summer you left a bag of cat food in the car overnight?
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
That was last summer! You dragged it halfway up the driveway. I learned my lesson from that. Now I don’t leave food in the car overnight and I lock the door. So why were you trying to get into it this year?
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
We bears have long memories. You may forget what you had for lunch yesterday, but we bears remember where we got a good meal for years. I thought maybe you’d have left me another treat like last summer.
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
P.S. I like bird seed, too. Just saying.
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
I say again: You broke off my door handles!
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
What can I say? We bears are strong. We can lift 300 pounds or so with a single paw. How much can you bench press? Just asking.
Also, your car is mostly cheap plastic. They don’t make ’em like they used to.
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
OK, let’s cut to the chase. How can I get you to leave me alone?
Let me just say, this being rural Virginia, I’ve been advised to pursue a, how shall I put this, a Second Amendment solution, if you catch my drift.
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
Might I remind you that shooting a bear without a license — and this is not the season for bear hunting, so no license is available — is a crime.
Any further threats of this nature will be referred to the Department of Wildlife Resources for possible prosecution.
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
* * *
Dear Local Bear:
OK, Forget I said that. I’m just telling you what others have told me. So back to the point: How can I get you to go away and leave me alone?
Sincerely,
Dwayne Yancey
* * *
Dear Mr. Yancey:
Funny — I’ve been wondering the same thing about you.
Sincerely,
Your Local Bear
P.S. See you next trash day.
In this week’s West of the Capital:
I write a free weekly political newsletter, West of the Capital, that goes out every Friday afternoon at 3 p.m. You can sign up here:
Here’s what I’ll have in this week’s edition:
- The latest early voting numbers across the state.
- An update on the latest developments in the June 18 primaries.
- More information on who’s speaking at the cannabis conference that Cardinal News is hosting Oct. 15 at Roanoke College. The conference is expected to attract participants from across Virginia, but space is limited. More information about the program, sponsorships and early bird registrations are available now. To take advantage of a $25 discount off the $150 ticket, use the promo code “early bird” before Aug. 1.
