Cardinal Way: Civility Rules encourages constructive dialogue on difficult issues. You can participate in the project by filling out this survey that asks your views: What’s the best way to make an argument in favor of abortion rights to someone who is opposed to abortion? What’s the best way to make an argument in favor of restricting abortion to someone who is against restrictions? Is there room for common ground on abortion? If so, where? Has your view on abortion changed over time? Do you think there is a point of view that someone could offer that would influence your view?
See the other article in this package: “Banning abortion is an ineffective means of reducing the need for abortion.“
In these times of never-ending protests, it may seem like civility has no home in public discourse anymore. Our minds are pushed and pulled by news that is designed to shock and disturb us, to “trigger” us, to use the latest pop psych word.
For a long time in America, abortion has been the loudest national argument. Voices on both sides get loud and angry at the opposite perspective. The issue is deeply personal and often involves private experiences being debated in public. Those involved on one side are often bringing their own private memories of their own abortion stories, including pain, stress and anxiety, into the debate. On the other side, being the voices for the voiceless unborn drives their urgency and leads some to forget that they are ambassadors for the babies they hope to protect and that compassion and respect is more effective than anger to win hearts.
Is it possible to be civil when discussing abortion? The issue is life and death, and it matters deeply to every one of us. It draws out passions that run deep. I believe it is not only possible, but essential, to change hearts and minds on this critical issue.
My experience has taken me to all 50 states and to 17 countries and provided the opportunity to speak to churches, government events, universities, conventions, and many, many one-on-one encounters. I have faced angry rooms and disinterested officials. I’ve talked late into the night with individuals I have just met and listened to their own stories and memories. In all, I would say that in 40 years of work in pro-life and public circles I have had almost every kind of conversation possible on this issue and I have learned a few things that I think could help to bring some civility to this public debate.
I have learned that everyone wants to be heard. With the sheer number of abortions that have happened in America, over 63 million since 1973, we must all come to grips with the fact that women and men, with their own abortion experiences, are around us every day. Their experiences are valid. Learning to listen to each other is essential to creating a climate of civil discourse.
I am pro-life, that means that I want to see protective laws passed in every state that will ensure that both women and their babies are protected under the law. Like most pro-life people, I have worked to develop programs that address the things that make too many women think their only option is abortion when faced with an unexpected or difficult pregnancy. I have also had an abortion myself and helped launch the first of its kind, peer-to-peer support network for women who have already had abortions and need a safe place to share those experiences. Having been on both sides of this debate, I see the things that too often interfere with the kind of communication that helps build bridges to understanding and sway opinion. The most common thing that seems to block this effort is a tendency on both sides to see those whom they oppose as wicked or of evil intent. Both pro-abortion and pro-life folks do this in my experience. It’s too easy to objectify one’s opponents, but doing so shuts down any hope of a civil debate.
It is the reality that pro-life people are deeply troubled that anyone would support ending a preborn baby’s life with the violence of abortion in its many methods. It is also the reality that very few on the pro-abortion side know just how hard many pro-lifers have worked for years to provide free and comprehensive care to mothers in difficult situations. So a good number of the loudest voices on their side are really expressing the fear that pro-life people want to condemn or punish them for having an abortion.
That’s not true, of course. In 2022, 75 state and national groups even signed a letter decrying any laws or effort to impose punishment of women who abort their babies because we understand why women get abortions and see them as a second victim of the abortion businesses in our country.
Sadly, some individual pro-lifers still condemn the women who have abortions and speak callously of them, even suggesting they do think they ought to be held accountable. These individuals are outliers but they get attention from those on the pro-abortion side who want to push a message that pro-lifers are the enemy. None of this helps to find a civil path forward.
Again, I stress that the best way to bring civility to the discussion is to try to dispel misconceptions and fear caused by false narratives that separate us. Truthfully, that’s often easier said than done but it is up to each of us that care about this life and death issue to do so.
The words we use can help so much. Pro-lifers must avoid words that are dramatic or alarming and make some of us feel excited by their impact. Sadly, words like abortion chambers, murder or baby killers all send a message to those who have been wounded by the cruelty of abortion that we don’t care what they have been through. Believe me, there is nothing civil about calling women like me a murderer. It will not advance your cause.
On the other side, calling all pro-lifers religious fanatics, women haters, bigots or anti-science sends a hostile message that confirms that they’ve never met a real pro-life person.
Perhaps the most important thing we can do to bring civility to the abortion debate is to recognize that each side is made up of other human lives who bring their own fears, concerns, hopes, anxieties and determination to the table. By doing our best to begin and end every encounter with the same courtesy that we want to receive. Meeting each other on the common ground of our shared humanity will help ease the transition for many to our perspective.
My hope is to show each person I meet that even if I challenge their position, I am willing to listen and to try and understand how they reached it. I have seen this openness allow my opponents to reconsider why they are pro-abortion and why they may be wrong and my position might be worth rethinking. I have never needed to see someone concede their position all at once. It is enough to plant a seed that may grow and someday soon my opponent may be my ally.
