Editor’s note: This is one in a series of periodic commentaries by retired college presidents on the subject of civility. They are based on the book “Rules of Civility for a Modern Society,” by Jim Davis, the former president of Shenandoah University.
Jim Davis Civility Rule 15:
In matters of money and who should pay for harm caused to an individual or group, one should always be willing to make right or well that which has been damaged or ruined.
Years ago, my middle son, Jeff, now working as a senior scientist with a firm in Washington state, spent his sophomore year in college studying abroad in Nepal and living with a Nepalese family of whom he was very fond. One evening, while he was sleeping, $300 was taken out of his wallet. Devastated by this loss, Jeff mentioned it to his Nepalese “mother,” Kusum. Appalled that such an incident could have occurred in her own home, despite Jeff’s protests, and being very strapped for money herself, Kusum gave my son $300 to replace the money that was missing.
Five years later, I mentioned to Jeff that a Hollins student, Erin, had volunteered with Hands for Help Nepal, a Nepali-based organization, where she would be working at a medical clinic in Nepal the following summer. In response, Jeff asked me if this student would be willing to do a favor for him. Grateful for what Kusum had done to help him when he was a student, he asked Erin if she would be willing to try to find Kusum and deliver $500 to repay her for her kindness. Erin agreed to help Jeff and went out of her way to help him, traveling from the rural clinic where she was working to Katmandu to pick up the wired money. She was able to locate Kusum, who was living across the street from the Chinese Embassy, met Kusum and delivered Jeff’s gift. Kusum’s mother was in the hospital, suffering from cancer, and needed chemotherapy. Jeff’s gift, delivered by this kind student, could not have come at a better time for Kusum and her mother.
First Kusum, then Jeff, and then Erin each went out of their ways to “make right” what had happened one evening years ago. Kusum corrected the wrong, Jeff sought to return her kindness, and Erin helped him pass it on.
Just imagine a world in which each of us does whatever we can to make up for wrongs we have witnessed, or even committed ourselves, and then to help each other to make it right for others. Unfortunately, most of us will do things we should not and hurt others intentionally or unintentionally. Maybe it was a petty theft at work or scraping a car trying to get out of a tight parking spot, or another time when you wronged someone but did nothing to help “right the situation.” Why not take the step to “right the situation,” to return what you took or leave a note on the car?
Such harm or damage is not limited to physical property with monetary implications but also relates to what we say about others. Whether motivated by anger, jealousy or ignorance, most of us have sent an email or said things we should not have said that hurt, insulted or disrespected others. Why not apologize to the injured party, correct the record, or do whatever is needed to repair the harm that was done? Once we realize what we have said, taking responsibility for our words and actions and trying to make amends goes a long way in helping us live peacefully with each other.
The issue is not whether we will do hurtful things that harm others. We will. Whether accidentally, carelessly, and occasionally intentionally, we do and say things we should not and may hurt others. The question is how we respond after we have realized we did or said something that hurt someone else or we could help someone else make a difficult situation better. The story of Kusum, Jeff and Erin is a good reminder of how important it is to try to right the wrong and to help others to do so. Taking the steps to “right the wrongs” and to pass on such kindness helps make our community the kind of place most of us want it to be.
Nancy Gray is the former president of Hollins University.
