Editor’s note: This is one in a series of periodic commentaries by retired college presidents on the subject of civility. They are based on the book “Rules of Civility for a Modern Society,” by Jim Davis, the former president of Shenandoah University.
Jim Davis Rule #14
To treat others as equals when one is in an advantageous position is a virtue to be cultivated.
In a rush, I approached the checkout line at Kroger’s with two items in my cart. I walked up to the cashier line because I never liked the automated checkout stations. Another shopper arrived at the line just ahead of me. His cart was overflowing. He must have had 60 small items, but he was first in line ahead of me. He had an advantageous position to use Dr. Davis’ term from Rule #14.
I groaned and thought, “He will take all day.”
The other shopper turned around and said, “You have two items. Go ahead.”
He had been there first, so I replied, “You were first. Please go ahead.”
“No, really, you go,” was his response.
I did go first and thanked him a couple of times. He waved as I left, and I waved back. I walked to my car with my two items, feeling uplifted over his action. I do not usually leave the grocery store in a great mood.
My gracious fellow shopper gave me the gift of finishing my grocery shopping and feeling good about it.
More importantly, he gave me a greater gift in that moment. He reminded me that civility is practiced in small gestures in ordinary places like a grocery checkout line. We do not need to wait around for some grand moment to be civil to others. We do not need to be told to be civil. Opportunities for civil actions show up all the time in moments and places like the check-out line.
As Richard Dehmel said, “A little kindness from person to person is better than a vast love for all humankind.” The world is a better place when we act civilly in our person-to-person relationships rather than waiting for grand and dramatic moments to act civilly.
Most people agree that civility is a worthy goal to pursue, but sometimes we do not act that way. We can be in a hurry or might be irritated by something or someone. Civil behavior is easy to push aside or forget in heated moments. Those moments are usually when we need it most.
In those stressful moments, civility gets tested when we do not treat others with consideration. After all, we are in the driver’s seat in many interactions. Why should I give up my space or my spot in line for someone else? Especially in those moments, we need to pause, be empathetic and then act civilly.
It can be hard to give up an advantageous position to be civil. We find ourselves on an interstate ramp where traffic is backed up. A waiter brings out our food, and it is lukewarm because of the kitchen. We hold an umbrella on a rainy day with soggy people around. Someone carrying delivery boxes can be waiting to pass the crosswalk. A co-worker is carrying a stack of boxes to a meeting. These moments happen all the time.
We are not required to let someone in the traffic line ease into the lane. We expect warm food in a restaurant. There is no obligation to share our umbrella. Delivery people can wait for the light just like we do. Co-workers carrying stacks of work may not be looking for our help. These are all typical moments that are ripe for a small measure of empathy and a dose of civil behavior.
Living civilly is an aspiration, and making it habitual helps us live up to the aspiration. Even if we cannot always behave that way, it is worth trying. Forming habits of civility takes both thought and willingness to act. What is required of us is situational awareness about what is going on around us. Then take a pause to empathize with others. Finally, show willingness to act. Easy to say here, but hard to practice in daily living.
We do not need to look very hard to hear about or see acts of conflict and incivility around us. We see ample confrontations on a daily basis. They are everywhere — shouting matches, muscling ahead of others, curtness to airplane gate personnel or other displays of rudeness. Sometimes incivility can take the form of impatience or assuming the intentions of others, intentions that we concoct without justification.
Small acts of civility lead to lessened conflict and more harmony, contributing to a world where confrontations are diminished. It is good news that opportunities to be civil far outnumber the actual examples of incivility. We just need to act as my fellow grocery shopper did. His virtue is worth cultivating. Rule #14 is worth following.
Michael Maxey is the retired president of Roanoke College.
