Editor’s note: This is one in a series of periodic commentaries by retired college presidents on the subject of civility. They are based on the book “Rules of Civility for a Modern Society,” by Jim Davis, the former president of Shenandoah University.
Jim Davis Civility Rule #73: Listen Before We Speak
The wise philosopher has stated that we have two ears and one mouth because our maker intended that we listen more than we talk. It is always a wise action to listen before we speak.
Do you remember playing the game Telephone as a child? Children sit in a circle and whisper a phrase or sentence to the person seated next to them. That person, in turn, would whisper what he or she heard to the next person in the circle, and on around the circle the message went. When the last person seated in the circle received the message, he or she would share aloud what was heard, which was rarely the original thought. I remember this game fondly. By the time the message went around the circle, it usually bore no resemblance to the original message. As an adult, I have learned the lesson of this game persists; we often do not hear others’ thoughts and sentiments as they were intended, even in the simplest ways in our day-to-day lives.
For example, my husband and I wake up to NPR each morning and listen for the weather and news between enjoying the classical music selections. During this past winter, one morning I heard the day’s forecast calling for 4-8 inches of snow, and started to go into serious storm preparation mode, assuming the forecast was intended for the Roanoke Valley. If I had listened to the whole forecast, I would have learned that was predicted for everyone south of 460, including a large swath of Virginia and the Carolinas. Roanoke was on the northern edge of that area, making that forecast less likely for us. Another day that week, I heard what I thought was a forecast and again was ready to go into action; however, it was not the forecast but a report of the prior day’s weather. And then there was the day I slept through the forecast and blamed the radio station for skipping it. My fault, not theirs. Even listening to something as straightforward as a weather forecast requires me to attend and stop my inner chatter. So, what happens when we exchange more complex ideas, especially those with political or religious overtones, or our innermost thoughts and feelings?
In an era when everyone can speak, amplified by social media, and life moves at a very rapid clip, we often don’t feel heard. Nor do we slow down enough to listen attentively to others. Yet civil society only works when people trust that their voices really matter and that their perspectives are considered. Well-functioning families, schools, businesses and our democracy all require the civil exchange of ideas, thoughts and feelings. That exchange starts with listening, really hearing what the other person is trying to communicate. Such deep listening requires us to be fully present, to give our undivided attention to another, and to stop thinking about what we are going to say next.
Listening is particularly hard in a time when we are overloaded with information and misinformation, and opinions are deeply and rigidly entrenched. Stopping to listen deeply, drop our defensive posture, understand another’s position and only then to exchange ideas is not something we do well or see others doing as much as might be helpful. Sometimes it feels like we are now adults playing that Telephone game.
Yet, listening strengthens civil society — whether in the family, workplace or public space —because it builds trust, reduces conflict and improves decision making. When people feel heard, they are more willing to compromise and collaborate and to participate in problem solving. If they feel their perspective has been respectfully heard and been considered by others, they are more willing to accept outcomes even when they don’t fully agree. But when individuals or even groups of people believe they are not being heard, conflict is likely to escalate. Anger and frustration build and people will take to the streets until they are heard. Listening enables us to take down the temperature, build trust and find common ground.
Practice listening, being fully present to hear another without jumping to judgment, as one way each of us can strengthen our civil society and improve the quality of our common lives. Listening is a powerful tool that we can each use to foster an enduring civil society in which each person feels their voice has been heard and matters. Remember, two ears and one mouth, listen more than you speak.
Nancy Gray is the former president of Hollins University.
